In part one of Alpha Female Relationships, I wrote about the dilemma that wealthy, successful women seem to face when choosing a partner and finding happiness in a relationship.
Based on the stereotypes that the alpha male is threatened by the alpha female, and a relationship between the two would only lead to conflict, the solution on offer for the alpha female seemed to be to choose the beta male.
However taking a closer look revealed that the real issue often lies more in values and self esteem, than stereotypes.
So what's the real solution?
1. Dump the stereotypes and unlearn what you have learned!
While opposites do attract it is also well known that after a while opposites also repel. In my work, I have come across alpha women, referred to me with depression, some married to alpha males and gave up their careers when the children came, some with beta partners and feel overwhelmed with being the one in charge, bored and want more from their partners.
I have worked with alpha men who end up in the stereotypical situation of having affairs with their secretaries – beta females. And I have also worked with alpha males who have had affairs with alpha females. So it really isn't that straightforward after all.
2. Get to know who you really are
The kind of people we attract says a lot about who we are, about the relationship we have with ourselves and it speaks volumes about our beliefs about relationships.
3. Be clear about what you really want
This sounds easier than it is. Sometimes what we want is not what we really want. You can only know this by getting clear about your core values and your purpose.
4. Be clear about your expectations
Right from the start of the relationship, be clear about your expectations and the kind of 'contract' you agree to. It is so easy to 'give in' during the early days of a relationship. Once you do this, you can hardly blame your partner, later on down the line, when you later want to change that 'unspoken contract' can you?
The future of the alpha female
Are you really, as an 'alpha female', comfortable in your own skin? Or are you hiding behind the 'alpha' mask just like men traditionally have done? Will 'alpha' women take the same route as 'alpha' men have historically done? Will 'alpha' women go for the 'beta' type, only to get bored and end up having an affair with their secretaries?
Are 'alpha' women really doing anything different or are they just about to repeat history – the other way around, and just producing another set of stereotypes that will need unlearning later on down the line by the next generation?
Men are changing. More and more genuine 'alpha' men value and appreciate what the genuine 'alpha female' has to offer. Though women have embraced their changing role quicker than men have, men are changing too.
More 'alpha men' are becoming 'emotionally intelligent'. Emotional Intelligence is, in fact, the buzzword in executive coaching – of which the highest percentage of executives being coached are (alpha) men. I have had the privilege of working with many emotionally intelligent 'alpha males in my coaching practice and on a personal level, I am meeting more and more men who value and prefer the 'alpha' female – some of the men I meet are 'beta' males while others are 'alpha' males.
Is it completely fair to say that the alpha male is the problem? Could it be more about the 'alpha female' and her beliefs and the stereotypes that she is buying into?
Could it be that 'alpha females' aren't really genuinely all that comfortable in their new 'alpha' skin? Could it be that women, having gone through a role transition, aren't really any clearer about who they really are or what they really want before they go in to a relationship? The baby boomers especially are still straddling the traditional female role as well as the new 'alpha female' role. Could it be that 'alpha females' don't stick to what they want and expect right from the start of a new relationship – maybe they give in just a bit to fit into the stereotype, driven by a belief that 'alpha females' and 'alpha males' just don't work?
My final question to the 'alpha woman': If you believed that the alpha male was a genuine, not a 'masked' version covering up low self esteem or insecurities, who was also emotionally intelligent and who shared similar core values that you share – would you still go for the beta male?
It's an interesting conundrum which I see often - mainly with Alpha women. I was married to a Beta male precisely because he had the emotional intelligence, but the initial attraction fizzled out. The majority of my clients are alpha women who don't want to be responsible for everything any longer - they're looking for emotion, intimacy, and responsiblity at an equal level now that they're in their 40's. There is a fear in many of them that the ideal man doesn't exist and up till now they've settled for second best.
I'm in complete agreement that there are many Alpha men who have begun to tap into their EI and it's very welcome news to the hoards of alpha women who know that their patience will now pay off!
Posted by: Jackie Walker | November 23, 2008 at 12:09 PM