I pulled out my golf clubs the other day and dusted them off. I haven't touched them since last summer. I'm a fair-weather golfer and considering the number of 'fair weather' days we have in England you can guess how infrequently I play. When people ask me what my handicap is, I assure them that golf is my handicap!
What amazes me is how well I play the first time I go to the golf course after such a long break and how much less well I play the more times I play.
What I've figured out is that it has to do with my expectations. When I play for the first time, I'm thinking "I'll be pleased if I can just hit that damn little white ball!" And I actually do pretty well and am feeling pretty pleased with myself.
The more times I play, however, the higher my expectations become. The next time, I don't just want to hit the ball but I want to hit the ball straight down the fairway. Then the next time I want to hit it 200 yards and straight down the fairway. And then the next time I want to consistently hit it 200 yards and straight down the fairway.
As my expectations about what I expect for myself change so does my inner talk and as my inner talk changes so my game changes. My inner dialogue moves from, "what a gorgeous day, I'm just so pleased to be here and if I can hit the ball I'm happy" all the way to "I've got to hit this ball, and I've got to hit it 200 yards, down the fairway. And finally it add, I need to be sure I don't hit it into that ****** bunker!" Can you guess where it goes?!!
Now anyone who plays golf knows, it is not a forgiving sport and tension is the golfers worst enemy! As soon as you 'try hard' and tell yourself that you've 'got to' do something a certain way - you create anxiety which shows itself in overtightness in your body!
The Inner Game of Golf
I have played a lot of different sports and one thing for sure, golfing is much more about what goes on in your head than most other sports. I guess that's the lure of it for me.
There are hundreds of books and videos on the techniques of golf. I've taken golf lessons which have been video-taped so that I could see exactly what I was doing wrong. I've even got a 7 iron with a special "grip" handle that puts my hands and fingers in exactly the right place which I use when practicing on the driving range. Even with all that, I can still go on the golf course and have a completely disastrous game.
The other scenario is when I go to the driving range and hit consistent beautiful shots but the second I go to the first tee, disaster strikes!
So what's happening to me and why is it that even the best players, with all the best equipment and the best techniques still struggle to play consistently?
It boils down to what goes on in their heads.
Anyone who wants to master golf has to master "the inner game." In his book, The Inner Game of Golf, Tim Gallwey states that "the secret to increasing control over our bodies lies in gaining some measure of control over our minds."
The reason golfers don't play consistently well is due to what Gallwey calls "interference" - lapses in concentration, self-doubt, low confidence and self-criticism which results in overtightness in the body - a golfers worst enemy.
And here is where dating can be likened to golfing.
What Dating and Golf Have In Common
- Your expectation influences your inner talk
- The harder you "try" and the more you tell yourself how you've "got to" do it, the more anxious you become.
- No matter how much you know about techniques, what goes on in your head can create "interference."
- If you focus on what you don't want - it's what you tend to get.
The bottom line is that both golf and dating are more about the "inner game."
You can know all the tips of how to flirt or catch the eye of the person you are interested in - and you know, hold the eye contact for a few seconds longer before moving your gaze. You can wear the "right" clothes, hang out in the "right" places and drive the "right" car but:
- Your dating expectations influences your inner talk
- The harder you "try" - to be someone or something you're not - the more anxious you will feel about dating
- No matter how many "how to flirt" or "how to make anyone love you" course you go on - what goes on in your head will create "interference."
- The more you focus on what you don't want to happen on the date, the more likely you will end up with it.
Dating is An Inside - Out Job
If you want to change your dating experience, it's not enough to buy the latest fashion, get the latest haircut, die your grey hair, lie about your age or pretend to be someone you've not - as I read once on a notice board: "don't try to be someone else they are already taken!"
If you want to change your dating experience, you've got to change what goes on in your head.
Dating really is like golf - it's an inside job!!
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