Oh The Shame of Being Single!

It was hard to fathom in this day and age, but here I was listening to a story about someone who was so ashamed of being single that she went to great pains to pretend to the world that she was in a relationship. 

I was having lunch at a seminar I was attending in London yesterday and chatting with one of the other delegates about my online business for singles, at which point she shared the story of her friend with me.  She told me that whenever her friend went shopping she would buy two of everything so people wouldn’t discover her dreadful secret - that she was single.  Likewise at work, all her colleagues believed she was in a relationship.  Extraordinary behaviour!

As I see it, the problem for this woman wasn’t that she is single , rather it was more about what it meant to her to be single.  Somehow being single  -- in her mind -- gave a negative reflection of who she is in the eyes of others. 

The core issue for this woman was twofold. This was, firstly, an issue about her sense of (or lack of sense of) 'self'. And secondly, how she measured her sense of 'self'  by externals – basing her sense of 'self' on what she believed others thought about her.

Let's face it, being single hasn't always been viewed in a positive light.

Have you ever been met with statements like "you are just so amazing, I can't believe you haven’t been snatched up!"  The unspoken question being – "what’s wrong with you?"  

Or, have you heard someone -- who is married or in a relationship (of course!) -- declaring that there must be something wrong with people who are still single at a certain age?

Likewise, tax laws have and often still do favour married couples over singles.  Again, the unspoken message is that being married is socially more preferable and acceptable to being single.

Even taking all that into consideration, the bottom line is: 

It’s not your status, your wealth, your possessions, your job title or what others think of you that counts.  It’s your self esteem that really matters.

Your self-esteem is how you feel about yourself, which is based on what you believe about yourself.  The cornerstone of your self-esteem is your self-belief.  And what you believe about yourself gets filtered down into your thoughts and your behaviours.

When your self-esteem is high you feel great!  When you feel great, you feel more confident, you deal with new situations better, you take on new challenges and you have better relationships.

When your self-esteem is low you feel terrible.  When you feel terrible, you feel less confident, you don’t deal with new situations very well, you shy away from new challenges and you struggle with relationships.

Do you know what the three most destructive, yet common deeply held beliefs people have about themselves are, that most get in their way of having happy, fulfilling and successful relationships? 

•    I am unlovable
•    I am worthless
•    I don’t deserve

These are the limiting self-beliefs that are involved in self-sabotage, repeating destructive relationship patterns and why people are not as successful in life as they potentially could be.  Often these beliefs get played out on the stage of life yet are outside of our conscious awareness. 

Do you procrastinate on important projects that could potentially mean you get a promotion or that would mean you could earn more money?  Do you get what you really want, and then completely screw it up and fail? 

Do you find yourself in one unhappy relationship after another?  Do you find that you keep going for the same type?  Do you stay in a destructive relationship, even though you 'know' that you should get out -- and everyone around you tells you that too? 

Do you feel 'needy' in relationships?  Are you afraid of getting into a relationship?  Do you worry when you meet and fall for someone that once they really get to know you, they won’t like you?  Do you find yourself constantly seeking for approval in your relationships?

Do you find you keep making excuses for not going for your dream?  Do find you only make changes when the pain of your current situation becomes impossible to bear?

If any of those questions resonate with you, you can be sure that some limiting self-beliefs are operating outside of your awareness.

And if the truth be known -- we all struggle with these beliefs at times.

If you believe that you are unlovable then your relationships will reflect this belief.  If you feel that you don’t deserve the best in life, then you can be sure that you won’t get the best.  The quality of your relationships is a reflection of the quality of your relationship with yourself. 

If you want to change your life and relationships, the journey starts with you.

That means Don’t:

• Look outside yourself to justify your low self esteem.  Even if it’s true, it’s not helping you.

• Look outside yourself to increase your self esteem.  You give your power away and when your props fall so does your self esteem.

• Get pulled into the promises of the 'quick fixes'.  Most of us want quick fixes but the results don’t last.  What and how much you invest corresponds to what and how much you will reap.

It means Do:

• Decide now to start working on you and make it a priority.  Track how you spend your time for one week and schedule a specific time of day that is for you.  No excuses.  We all make time for what’s really important. 

• Understand that you become what you constantly feed yourself.  Read personal development books, get coaching, get therapy, listen to audios, go to workshops.

• Take action and apply what you are learning.  A muscle only gets stronger if you work it.  What you don't use, you will lose.

As your self esteem increases you will notice the ripple effect in every aspect of your life.

Your life is life a mirror:  it reflects back to you, your unconscious innermost thoughts, beliefs and expectations. 

What do you see as you look in your mirror?

"Every man is the architect of his own fortune" - Proverb

   

Comments

[Chris Ogle]

Hi Susanne, great article!

It is true that Love starts close to home, in fact with ourselves! How can we expect others to Love us if we do not even love ourselves first?

This does not mean embark on a huge ego trip and big ourselves up to the detriment of all else, but what it does mean is....

With loving ourselves we become more confident and less reliant on the approval of others for our self worth. Then... naturally when we no longer seek confirmation of our worth from others we inherently become stronger, more attractive and in control of our feelings about who we are.

We can now take control of our moods and emotions because they come from our thoughts not from the whims of what we believe others think about us!

We have to take ownership of ourselves, stand on our two feet and take charge of who we are, not give away this power to other so called friends whose agenda is seldom on the same path as ours!

Like the famous saying.... 'No one can take your self respect and dignity from you, you can only give it away'

[Susanne]

Hi Chris!
Thanks for your comments! I absolutely agree with what you say about the importance of and about the positive impact of loving ourselves. People often do worry that loving themselves means going on a big ego trip. As you rightly note - it doesn't mean that at all! Those who go on big ego trips are actually the very ones who don't love themselves and who still need approval from others about their instrinsic worth and value. Ego trips remind me of peacocks who spread their feathers appearing larger than life as a means of impressing!